Learning to be Me again 

So we have all heard, read and or experienced how the early days of motherhood can be quite isolating. It’s not uncommon to feel a bit lonely and lost and if your like me I found a way to get out into the world (somewhat) again and be a bit more social again baby in toe. So 16+ months on why was I feeling this way again ( well the lost part)??
 We only recently (4 weeks ago) put Aria into daycare. She goes one day a week and its something although I am happy and excited  for her to do I always find hard letting go but that’s normal I know. So after 16+ months of wishing I had a day for myself, to catch up on work and around the house and to just have a break why have I been struggling with it?? Why was I not looking forward to this day yet?

All our family situations are different but I will tell you a little about mine. In our household there is Shaun, Ari and myself. We are lucky to have Shauns sister living on the coast so when we need a little parents only time we have been able to get it but it’s not something we do weekly or anything just here and there and I am very grateful for that. Although we have 3 out of 4 grandparents living on the coast we do not or have not got the kind of situation where we can ask them for help minding Aria. Shauns mum lives in Cairns so it’s just us really. With Shauns busy work schedule (55/60 hrs + travel) that leaves the majority of the time it being just Aria and I. It always has been.

So for the past 16 months wherever I go I have always had my little sidekick and bestie by my side.  Last Monday ( Arias daycare day ) I dropped her off and headed to the shops which should have felt amazing but I found myself feeling overwhelmed and even more frazzled then I did when I had my little demanding toddler with me. What the hell ?? This was meant to be my little bit of freedom yet I still had a failed shopping mission on my hands and didn’t feel at ease at all.

After talking it out with my therapist (aka Shauns sister) it all made sense. I was feeling vulnerable…. I didn’t have my little safety blanket (Aria) with me. I was on my own again. Which may not sound like a big deal but it is when you havnt been for so long . It then occurred to me that while I was worrying about all the changes and adjustments for Aria’s new start at daycare and how it’s would affect her I had forgotten to factor myself in too. I also needed to adjust to the changes and get used to being just Jess again for a day and get back out there on my own again and do things just for me.

So another week on and it’s Monday again. I dropped Aria off at daycare and I can tell you I am feeling much better about it all. I made the morning about ME with a workout and a pedicure…. guilt free and felt calm and relaxed. I have been out and about without my little safety blanket and although I missed her It felt good to just be Jess again for the day.

 The next step for me is to get back into a gym/ fitness class and have some more adult interaction (other then family) again allow myself that extra time out again too and get myself into a new routine in the big wide world again but until then I just plan to keep myself motivated and make the time to workout at home as it does wonders for my mindset.  

I’m now feeling excited about this new chapter for our family and for myself and not only being Aria’s mama but being Jess again too and just as Aria is adjusting to daycare life I am adjusting to my day away from her too.


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